The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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