This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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