He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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