I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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