Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
