dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
