I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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