I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
