My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
