I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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