There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
a day off where I donβt get laid would be worthless
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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