I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
