Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
