Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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