I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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