well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
