When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
