Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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