Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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