i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
