i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
