I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
