first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i think im in europe. pls send help
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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