Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
