I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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