I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
