So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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