You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
BRING THE BAGELS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
