I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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