Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
