the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
