Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
