ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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