so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
