Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
