bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
