Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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