Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
