i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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