the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
