You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
