It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
tell me about the eggs
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
