I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
