My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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