I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
