Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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