I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
