she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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