he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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