Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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